A wake-up call?

"Hey, don't seek any one's approval regarding your life. Not mine,
not any one else's. Your life is for your to live with. It's a state of
mind. It starts with a dream, and, if followed by focus, attention and
hard work, ends up with crystallization of the dream. So dream, focus,
strive hard, get closer to your dream every single moment, then the
universe will conspire to make your dream come true. Don't forget to learn
more about the One that can make your dream come true, the Almighty.
Do good, explore life, be daring, and constantly remember God, Sayang. You'll do Fine."

That was an e-mail I found in my inbox sent to me about 3 years ago from a man whom I respect very much, that believes that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now, and always encourages me to pursue my real passion and dreams.

I got it, I got it. I am living my life more. I dream and focus more, and little by little, I've succeeded to accomplish things that I listed in my "Wish List" I made almost a couple of years ago.

I now believe, that what I do now is only a process to something better. A stepping stone. If I will only be patient, in time, I will finally find my courage to leave this job, which, not I love so much (= hate). It is just a matter of time.

But When? is always the question. Am I done seeking for people's approvals? How much more acknowledgments will I need before I can actually let it go and.. be happy doing something else.
Even though it might not make everyone happy.

Life is too short. Maybe it's time to make myself happy.

The Wish List

Beberapa hari lalu saya menemukan wish list yang saya buat kira-kira 1,5 tahun lalu. Isinya, ya seperti namanya, adalah daftar keinginan dan goal yang ingin saya capai dari segi relationship, pekerjaan, dan ambisi2 pribadi lainnya.. Tanpa sadar, semua yang ada di dalamnya, Alhamdulillah, sudah dan akan tercapai tahun ini.

Saatnya buat yang baru. Dan sekarang, saya tambah percaya betapa besarnya kekuatan mimpi.

... and life goes on.

I just came back from a long vacation last Thursday. 6 weeks long. I came back quite discreetly, by this, I meant no cliche FB status saying "... is glad to be back home after a long vacation". Nobody didn't really know when I was coming back, except of course for my boyfriend and my parents. I wanted to be under the radar until I'm fully recovered from the jetlag, until I was ready to catch up with all the dramas and reality. But before that, I wanted to spend quality time with my bofriend, my parents, and course.. my cats.

But... my homecoming was not that discreet after all.

Friday, after a good 2 hour relaxing massage, I was shocked by text message saying that a friend had passed away that morning. The friend that broke the news told me to meet her at the parking lot of this place where we all used to work together. When I got there, under the tree where we all used to have our smoking breaks during the shifts, she said, "Welcome home". And just like that, I was reunited with 4 other friends at a funeral of our mutual good friend. It was a sad moment, but it was a good reunion. I was really good friends with two of them back in the days. We were quite inseparable, until one day we went to different paths, I will always love hem dearly. We talked a bit over dinner, and discovered that one was still doing her music, a newspaper column, a coffeeshop, a crafty shop, and a whole other bunch of stuff only God knows what, and I truly admire her for that. One was just recently engaged and moving to a Scandinavian country. And this last one happened when I was away!

Saturday was quality time with the boyfriend. On Sunday I discovered that 2 of my good friends (finally) hooked up, and, from story of both sides, looked like they hit it off, right after I left for my trip. This, was quite a shocking too, but a good one I must say. I was excited for them. But I guess (well of course)they were more excited, because it was all they talked about, and I hardly had the chance to tell them how fascinating my trip was.

Today I felt like I was finally ready to catch up with some friends. I was going to visit one that just had a baby just before I left, but she was not home. So I was back with my computer. Feeling a bit bored, suddenly I remembered some of my girlfriends was planning to throw a bachelorette party at the end of this month for a friend that is getting married in early June. So I called, but all I got was her voicemail. So I went back to my computer. And then I called a couple of more friends. They sounded excited I was back, and would ask, "so how was your tripppp?" but then as I opened my mouth to answer the question they were really occupied with the boyfriend, groceries and screaming nephews so they had to, "Wowww sounds good.. Listen, can i call you back in 5? I really can't talk right now". Well it has been a couple of hours now and none of them called back yet.

The moral of the story? Nothing, really. It was just suddenly I felt that time flies too fast. In a blink of an eye, people move on with their lives. With, or without you in it. People don't postpone their lives just because you're away. Especially for such a short period (which I initially thought was quite long..)

"Oh, you're away for vacation? Great, good for you. Have fun and have a good trip. Now can I move on with my life?"

"Ahhhh.. you're home noww? Great, good for you. How was it? Great, I bet. Wow. Now can I get back to my life?"

In a blink of an eye, I also have come to realized how small of group of friends that I have their phone numbers memorized to share my intimate traveling stories, because they're the ones that understand all the sentimental reasons behind this trip. And all of them, were not available tonight. And for first time in a loongggg time. I feel.. lonely.

Pembunuh VS Koruptor

Aduhhh saya tahu judul posting ini serius banget. Tapi seharian ini saya di rumah bersama ayah mengikuti perkembangan penyidikan Ketua KPK Non-Aktif Antasari Azhar (untuk selanjutnya mari kita sebut saja si AA), dan menghela napas berat saat statusnya berganti dari saksi menjadi tersangka.

Saya terus terang agak kecewa, karena tadinya cukup memandang si AA sebagai salah satu dari sedikit tokoh yang cukup 'lurus' di pemerintahan kita.

Tak lama ibu saya pulang dan bergabung dengan kami yang dari tadi memantengi berita ini di depan televisi. Ibu saya pun mengungkapkan kekecewaanya atas kasus yang menimpa si AA. "Karena nila setitik, rusak deh susu sebelanga", ibu mengutip peribahasa klasik.

Saya menghiburnya,

"Sudah lah ma, ayo ingat asas praduga tak bersalah. Kan belum ada vonis tetap. Belum tentu salah kok."

"Aduhhhh tapi tetap sajaaa.. Ingat tidak interviewnya di Kick Andy waktu itu? Dia tampak simpatik, family man, punya visi yang jelas dalam pemberantasan korupsi.. Masa sekarang begini? Gara2 cewe lagi.."

Ayah saya menyambar,

"Ahhh ya sudah.. Masih untung dia gak nyolong duit. Kamu tahu gak, duit yang dicolong koruptor yang sudah-sudah itu, bikin mati lebih banyak orang. Nah ini kan dia khilaf, dia main cewek, terus dia bunuh orang yang berusaha memerasnya. Ga ngerugiin banyak orang. Itu sih urusan pribadi dia aja."

Saya ga setuju.

"Loh pah, kok papa seolah-olah bilang pembunuh itu lebih baik dari koruptor. Mereka itu sama aja dong busuknya!"

"All I'm saying anakku, saya masih lebih bersimpati sama AA daripada koruptor-koruptor keparat itu. Kan seperti kamu bilang, kita harus tetap menganggapnya tidak bersalah kan sampai ada vonis tetap dari pengadilan?"

Saya tersenyum kecut. Tetap gak setuju kalau (tersangka) pembunuh dibandingkan dengan (tersangka) koruptor. Menurut saya dua2nya tidak ada yang lebih baik. Terlepas dari adanya asas praduga tak bersalah.

Ibu saya menimpali,

"Mama tetep ga percaya dia terlibat. Pasti ini konspirasi orang-orang yang gak suka sama dia."

"Ah kamu nih suka terbawa perasaan deh. Jangan terlalu sentimentil ah. Nanti kalau dia terbukti bersalah, kamu sedih lagi seperti waktu si Aa Gym kawin lagi."

Hahahahahhaha..

Kamipun beranjak dari ruang televisi. Mulai muak dengan pemberitaan si AA.

Saya (tidak begitu) bangga menjadi orang Indonesia

Kemarin saya berkesempatan menghadiri sebuah seminar yang diadakan oleh salah satu departemen pemerintah dalam rangka sosialiasi Undang-undang di hotel di bilangan Pecenongan. Sosialisasi tersebut sebenarnya ditujukan untuk para hakim, kejaksaan dan kepala-kepala biro hukum departemen-departemen pemerintah lainnya, namun atas jasa baik kenalan saya di departemen tersebut, saya dan satu orang rekan dari kantor diperbolehkan turut menghadiri.

Acara yang dijadwalkan mulai jam 9 akhirnya baru dimulai jam 10 karena petinggi yang akan memberi pidato sambutan sekaligus menandakan acara tersebut resmi dibuka terlambat. (Ahh tipikal..) Tapi yang kemudian membuat saya agak terperangah adalah acara selanjutnya. "Menyanyikan lagu Indonesia Raya", begitu si MC berujar. Lalu, semua dipersilahkan berdiri, dan tampak seorang mbak-mbak maju ke depan untuk memimpin kami semua menyanyikan lagu kebangsaan kita itu. Saya tak bisa ingat kapan terakhir kali saya menyanyikan Indonesia Raya. Saya pikir terakhir kali waktu upacara sewaktu sma dulu, tapi lalu saya br inget belum lama2 ini saya dan Opiq pernah sekali tiba2 menyanyikan Indonesia Raya di mobil diikuti dengan lagu2 wajib nasional lainnya. Ohh rasanya menyenangkan dan rindu sekali dan kami bertanya-tanya apakah anak-anak jaman sekarang masih diajarkan lagu-lagu itu di sekolahnya.

Kembali ke Seminar. Kami semua menyanyikan Indonesia Raya dengan khidmat, saya sampai merasakan bulu2 di sekujur tubuh saya berdiri. Merinding. Tiba-tiba saya bangga menjadi seorang Indonesia.

Seminar berakhir sekitar pukul 13.00, yang langsung diikuti dengan acara makan siang. Selesai makan, saya dan teman saya lalu beranjak ke meja pendaftaran untuk mengambil sertifikat. Lalu si petugas sertifikat bilang, "Mbak, jangan lupa tanda pesertanya ditukar kesana", sambil menunjuk ke meja di sebelahnya. "Sahhh elah, name tag jelek gini aja harus dibalikin nih?", begitu pikir saya, suuzon. Sayapun ke meja itu dan memberikan name tag saya, lalu sebagai gantinya saya menerima amplop. Begitu saya buka, terdapat uang sejumlah Rp. 110.000 di dalamnya. Saya kaget dan langsung cekikikan bersama teman saya. Mungkin kami disangka pegawai pemerintahan spt yang lain mengingat status kami di seminar itu memang sebagai tamu tak resmi. Langsung teringat cerita teman yang pernah bekerja di salah satu BUMN yang bercerita bahwa memang begitu kultur kantor pemerintahan. Ikut gerak jalan, dapat duit. Partisipasi (baca: setor muka dan perut) dalam buka puasa bersama, dapat duit. Datang ke acara ini, acara itu, dapat duit. Pantaaaassss pegawai pemerintahan kita malas. Malas bergerak kalau tidak dikasih uang pelicin. Pantassss mereka cemberut jika kita belaga pilon ga mau kasih duit supaya urusan kita beres.

Spekulasi saya dan teman saya, mungkin separuh dari peserta yang hadir datang ke acara tersebut hadir karena motif dapat duit dan makan gratis. Spekulasi saya dan teman saya, mungkin "amplop" itu harusnya berisi lebih (karena 110ribu adalah jumlah yang cukup ganjil), tapi lalu 'dipotong' untuk ongkos capek panitia. Tapi kami lelah berspekulasi. Kami hanya tertawa, menertawakan bobroknya bangsa ini (termasuk kami sendiri) sambil... memasukkan amplop tersebut ke tas kami masing-masing. Tiba-tiba, saya merasa tidak begitu bangga pada diri saya yang seorang Indonesia.

I'm a happier person today

On most days, I take the transjakarta bus to work, but I'm feeling super lazy today to get on my feet. Normally I'd take a 3 in 1 joki, but that is extra 10thousand and not to mention the extra gas my driver would have to spend on his way home coz he had to take the 'back road' to avoid 3 in 1. Besides, I had promised myself to be extra stingy to myself until my big trip on March. So my driver dropped me off at Al-Azhar, and as I walked to the bus stop I can feel the wind sweeping through my face. It felt reaaaaalllllly good. The sky was blue and the sun is shining but yet it's so breezy. It was such a nice morning! I looked up, smiled and mumbled "good job, God!". And just like that, I am happier person today.

I was in the bus. And was still amazed of how beautiful the morning was. I was glad I chose to take the bus today. Choose. I just realized that I actually had CHOICES. It was a choice I made, that I wanted to save up on gas and money. But to some people it was their only choice to take the bus. Because they didn't have car. Because they could not afford it. They probably don't know the luxurious feeling being in a car, where you have someone to drive it for you, where all you have to do is to put your lazy ass in the backseat and enjoy the ride. You got the office smelling good, dry and.. comfortable. All the factors that make me sometimes so lazy to take the bus. Especially on a hot day, when you have extra perspiration after all that walk from the bus stop. Or in a rainy day, when no matter what size of umbrella you use, you'd still get wet anyways at the end. I thanked God that I still have the choices. And just like that, I am happier person today.

I put my ipod to shuffle when suddenly it played some french bossas. It was a perrrrrfect soundtrack for the morning. It gave me a smile, and accidentally had an eye contact with a man sitting in front of me, and he also smiled, and then he smiled to an older lady that standing in front of him, she smiled back and the man stood up and gave his seat to the lady, which was holding a little kid, that also smiled, glad that he could finally rest his little feet on his granny's lap. And just like that, I am a happier person today.

I just noticed that I have this weird habit..

.. every time I ride transjakarta bus in the morning on my way to work, with my ipod playing the morning playlist, I'd be pumped and have this sudden urge of dancing, and as I tap my foot following the music beats, I would start this wild imagination of me getting up from my seat and dancing wildly through the corridors, and then get back to my seat like nothing happened. I always wonder what that would like and sort of promised myself I'd probably just need to do it one day. Or ask someone to dare me or bet on me to do it. Just for the sake of it. Each day, I'm telling you, it gets more real, and sometimes it's like out of body experience, like I actually saw myself get up and dance, but I didn't. I was just sitting there. It felt like I'm in a music video clip.

How bizarre.